Dear the International Olympics Committee,

Hello and welcome to the letter that I am writing to convince you that Kansas City is the prime location for the 2024 Olympics. Over the past eight years, we have witnessed several great Olympic Games, those in Beijing and those in London. However, be prepared to handle my next statement: both of these Olympic Games will be viewed as colossal failures compared to what Kansas City can offer.

Five minutes ago, I googled how cities are chosen to become Olympic host cities; I found that there is a list of prerequisites that a city needs to meet in order to even be considered a candidate. For starters, a city must have the capacity and facilities to handle such a large migration of people into their vicinity. That is, the host needs to be able to house, transport, and adequately protect the tourists, athletes, journalists, etc. Another criterion is that the city must be able to convince its residents that the costs raised for city improvements and new jobs are truly worth it. The final requisite is that the host city maintain a positive image throughout the preparations.

On first glance, Kansas City may not exactly scream “metropolis” or “future home of the 2024 Olympic Games.” In fact, the area hardly seems capable of housing the mass influx of Olympians and tourists that comes with the actual games. But this is only if you’re counting the current population of this great location that is definitely suited for the Olympics. Imagine, if you will, that we accommodate a mass influx by creating a mass exodus. Basically what I’m trying to say is that we move every Kansas Citian out to the suburbs so we can make room for all the people briefly moving into the city.

The idea is that every current city dweller is moved into the surrounding metro area for the duration of the games. And if that fails or doesn’t work as well as expected, plan B will be to set up a large field where people can camp out and have a fun time (think Woodstock, not internment camps) in the interim. Now the city will be opened up for plenty of new guests.

As for all the different stadiums, it seems much easier to just stack stadiums on top of the Sprint Center. Now by no means am I an architect, but it seems like the best and easiest way to create more space is to build up and not out–it’s simple logic. So, imagine again, if you will, a giant stadium skyscraper, built in the fashion that a five year old Lego enthusiast might use for efficient construction. The security aspect may or may not sort itself out. Hopefully, the International Olympics Committee will have faith in our ability to protect the people.

Now comes the transport aspect of this massive and very feasible undertaking. Something that would obviously be nice to have is something like a public transit system, say a trolley with a track that spans Kansas City’s downtown. But let’s just say that doesn’t work because people are stubborn. So in that case the city would provide an alternative and even more cost effective form of transportation to everybody attending these games: rollerblades. Imagine, for a third time, if you will, a city street completely devoid of cars or trolleys or buses; and in their places, a crowd of expert rollerbladers. This makes the tourist population more active, and those who get to move around feel like real life Olympians. And the best part is, zero emissions!

Now, how does the government convince us to pay for this? How do we know that this will all pay off in the long run? Not only does the city get to show off its truly fantastic scenery and attractions (e.g., world’s shortest trolley track, beautiful architecture, and grain elevators), but we also give people from around the earth a healthy dose of the Kansas spirit. In the long run, these games will be a perfect way to gain attention and bring even more wealth to the Kansas City metro.

The final criterion that needs to be taken care of is the maintenance of a positive image. Why not give the city a complete makeover, then? Imagine, finally, if you will, Kansas City redecorated as the Emerald City from the classic Frank Baum novel, “The Wizard of Oz,” in which rollerbladers skate along yellow brick roads. The media loves gimmicks, and as far as I’m concerned (however much the Kansas-Oz stereotype and association is perpetuated) this would be the singular best move in the history of the Olympic Games. Ancient Greeks wish they could get on our level. Eat your heart out, Aristotle, or whichever famous Greek helped in the creation of the first Olympic Games.

I know I started off this letter by addressing the International Olympics Committee, but I’ve since moved on. Kansas Citians, we as a city are entirely prepared for this effort with the exception of an infrastructure or budget that can support it. But fear not the unknown; go forth in earnest and seize the day. In other words, and in conclusion, let’s host the 2024 Olympics. It couldn’t be that hard.

Also we need to spend $150,000 in order to even bid for a spot as a candidate city. Start saving up.

Sincerely,

Alex Ralston,

Junior Smart Guy